Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
