That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
