Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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