I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
