Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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