I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
