New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
