First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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