i just sent this text using only my big toe
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
