i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
