from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
