the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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