Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
