At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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