You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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