I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
