Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
