Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
