bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
