I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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