I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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