the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
