Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
