So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
