We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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