bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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