Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
