she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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