what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
