There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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