Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
