He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
