have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
