They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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