then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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