You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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