I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
