she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
