Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
