So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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