when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
