Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
