New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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