I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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