i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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