btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
accomplished twins. life is a go
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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