Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
