Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
