I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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