I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
