She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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