In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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