2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
