Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
